By The hospital’s emergency room doors slid open. Magic was performed here, and sometimes last rites. Only the fearless, or horribly injured, ventured into this space of trauma and sexual tension.
A tall, lightly tanned and awesomely tattooed man with an air of flamboyant, traumatized confidence strode into the emergency room’s barely controlled melee. Nurses, lesser-doctors and other hangers-on parted to allow the pinnacle of emergency doctoring to stride into the heart of another commotion.
“Doctor Sensitive, we’re so sorry to call you in on your day off, but it’s an emergency,” said a bashful but determined brunette with a likely haunted past that could only be faced with the tender ministrations of a hunky surgeon. “Only someone with your undeniable leadership skills and fabulous good-looks can save this man.”
“No worries, mate. After a pounding surf and a 10k run this morning, me and the kids went to a nearby shelter and fed the homeless. They all love my home-made burgers dipped in fruit smoothies. I had to bring them in with me, though…the kids, not the homeless, ha-ha! They’re up in the viewing room now. Look, there’s Sharon, Karen, Isla, Gary, Barry, Jack and little Marguerite-Josephine. So precious. I adopted them all yesterday! Bonza mate!”
Everyone in the emergency room stopped and waved kindly to the gaggle of perfect children.
“So, what seems to be the prob…holy rice crackers! This bloke’s got a flamin’ fuel nozzle sticking out his guts. How’d that happen?”
On the table lay a burly, less-than-attractive gentleman, whose sole purpose (other than to be impaled) was to provide adequate contrast to the perfection of Dr Sensitive.
“The patient was filling his car but couldn’t get the petrol to flow properly. So, he started banging the fuel pump with the nozzle, as you do. It exploded.”
“Sounds like my divorce, ha-ha!”
The nurse seductively twirled her tousled hair at the word divorce.
“Doctor, the patient also has second degree burns, which will leave nasty scars that a lesser doctor than you can treat in the background of a later episode.”
“That explains why his hair’s on fire and the blistering pustules.”
Dr Sensitive turned his attention to this week’s irrationally injured man and raised his voice. “Mate? Can you hear me? Yeah? Next time, try not to smash the petrol pump, okay? That’s a pretty fucked-up thing to do!”
“Doctor, there also seems to be a dangerously large build-up of ear wax.”
“Nasty! Better start there. Nurse, get me the jumbo extractor. This is gonna be tough work and we can’t proceed until this flammable stuff is removed.”
Minutes ticked by as the strapping doctor worked his magic. Delicate hands, driven by nerves of steel, extracted seemingly endless mounds of ear wax.
“Are you alright, doctor?” asked the assisting nurse, flicking her long hair to reveal a small neck tattoo of a unicorn reading the bible. Deep.
“Yeah, just the PTSD flaring up again. These ear-wax extractors just throw me back to my army days. Also, I’m Steve Irwin’s second-cousin, so the pain’s still fresh…”
“You’re so brave, doctor.” The nurse brushed her bob at the word extractors.
With a final flick of his muscular, yet gentle, right hand, the last piece of ear wax went flying to land in a biohazard bin. All net.
“Right, you can handle it from here, team. You’re a wonderfully diverse and friendly group with simmering, underlying tension that erupts once a week, before I ultimately resolve matters, and we never talk about it again. I have taught you well over the last 4 to 5 seasons; I only need to get you started. You can do it!”
The emergency room erupted into cheers, chest bumps and arse slaps. Many inept high fives were thrown with many injuries sustained.
Dr Sensitive smiled and a dazzling sparkle from his perfect teeth set a clinical waste bin on fire. He then pirouetted with a flourish; his shoulder-length blonde hair swirling majestically like a banana milkshake in a blender.
“Also, ask the sexy hospital administrator to stop by my office tomorrow with the financial spreadsheet thingies I’ll vaguely look at. She’ll be too busy looking into my ravishing eyes to care.”
A moment later, having swept from the emergency room into the arms of his instant-family, the pained yet caring doctor shed a tear at the love around him.
“All right, kids, job done. Let’s go home and you can watch me perform surgery on myself.”
“Yay!”
